(Astute readers will remember when we stumbled upon SRK. The letter below details what we now know to be the TRUE meaning of that experience.)
I use your first name because I see us on intimate terms.
That’s not because you’re the spokesperson for every single brand that has ever advertised in India, though. No, it’s because you and your marketing people invested millions of rupees to target my wife and I in your most clever image campaign to date.
Money well spent, I’d say. It’s amazing how perfectly your team pinpointed our habits.
You knew that Jenny and I would use that pleasant February morning to wander an area of Delhi we hadn’t yet explored.
You knew we’d stop to gape at the ice factory.
And you also knew we’d stop again to write in the dust on a nearby car.
These conclusions were critical to your strategy, because they predicted the exact moment when we’d reach Lala Hardev Sahai Marg. With that knowledge, you knew exactly when to flip on the red light so we would impatiently turn down Zorawar Singh Marg instead.
Which meant you knew exactly when to clear away the clouds so that we’d walk under the trees to avoid the sun.
Which is where you knew to place your ads.
What perfect research your team did! You’d learned that your Om Shanti Om posters had imprinted your ab muscles so indelibly into our skulls that we’d conditioned ourselves to ignore all subsequent posters of you. Which is why you chose NOT to hang a poster, but instead to drape strips of film over those trees in the exact configuration we were sure to notice.
Just as you predicted, we stopped. Just as you predicted, we saw your face. Just as you predicted, we took pictures.
And now, just as you predicted, I’m praising your cleverness on our blog.
You, sir, are a marketing genius. You, sir, are the king of all media. You, sir, are—
What if… what if this article isn’t your goal at all? What if this whole thing has been a clever campaign… to reach whoever is reading these words right now?
Reader! You’re reading this because Shahrukh KNEW you’d read it!
Did you just scratch your nose? Shahrukh knew you’d do that, too!
You have to ask yourself: what else does Shahrukh know you’re going to do? And what does Shahrukh want from YOU?
Shahrukh, I’m frightened by your omniscience. I want to cower under my desk. Except… you already knew that, didn’t you? Who knows what you have waiting for me under there?
Your unwilling pawn,